It's always said that if a son doesn't have a father, he will struggle in life, but the same is true for a daughter. I always thought it didn't really effect me, because of my father, but as I tried to build a relationship with God and struggled, I started to realize there is more involved between a father and daughter relationship.
My father went to jail when I was about 6 or 7 years old. The impact it had on my life as a young girl was tremendous. The shame of it haunted you wherever you go, in school, with friends and even with adults. People labelled you as a child with problems and that you will somehow fail in life. Friends didn't want to play with me because their parents thought I would be some horrible influence. Teachers didn't have much sympathy. Adults treated you in a way that you felt uncomfortable with, always making you feel that you have some sort of a problem.
So, I grew up as a teenager and little girl with this noose around my neck that I will always be the daughter of a jailbird. My father did many things while he was in jail. He threatened my mom and wanted to kidnap us and take us away. So he would get friends outside of jail to make my mom's life a living hell. She was a good mother, loved us so much and that kept me going. That made me feel special. But as you become a teenager and things like: what you look like, what you own and what your friends think about you, become important, you rebel! All my mom's hard work and love were thrown in her face.
But somehow inside me I always knew God had a plan for me.
So, somehow I met my husband who helped me on a path of healing. He believed in me and for the first time in my life I felt wanted by a man and special. But as we got married and had children, that wasn't enough. You always have this longing for a father to love you and made you feel like a princess. My father never did that. When he came out of jail, I only saw him a few times and he didn't make an effort. And the rejection was worst than the fact that he was in jail for most of my childhood life. He also had children with other women, so I do have a brother and sister out there, that I do not have a relationship with, because I have no idea where they are.
Now, after about 16 years walking a journey with Our Lord and Saviour, I made a breakthrough in my spiritual life. We changed churches a year ago and last weekend I went to this Women Camp. At this camp, the entire core message was about your identity in Christ, how much God loves you and values you, what your role as a woman is and how we must become BOLD in Christ and start expressing our faith.
I was bowled over at how God was talking to me!
After each sermon, we got a number. And on a little tree hung these envelopes with numbers on it. Whatever number you got, that was your scripture. A lot of prayer went into these scriptures and I was taken aback with mine! Because it was so in line with issues in my life, my own issue with myself and my own identity.
Ps.35v27 "Let them shout for joy and be glad,Who favor my righteous cause; And let them say continually, “Let the Lord be magnified," Who has pleasure in the prosperity of His servant.” This scripture is about how people hate you and go against you (this is so true in my life) - and How David asks God to make those people who have his good interest at heart, be happy in his righteousness and see how wonderful God is to His servant. I realized how my own life I focus too much on how others wrong me and how they treat me, instead of just focusing on being a light for others by focusing on God.
My second scripture was Num 23v19 - "God is not a man that He should lie; He never goes back on His word." Whow! Again, I also trust people to make me feel happy or to help me in situations, but they always seem to disappoint. And here God was saying to me - but I am not like that. You can trust me, I am steadfast. And I realized, how much people's opinion and actions have robbed me from living a close relationship with God and not realizing that God is the one I can trust, because He is the living God.
Ef.4v7 - "But unto every one of us is given grace according to the measure of the gift of Christ." I didn't understand this scripture and felt confused by what God was now trying to tell me cause I expected something else. But as I prayed and received word at a sermon the following day, I realized that God was trying to tell me that I need to get into my place and understand my spiritual gift, but be content with it.
So then lastly to top everything I received this last one. I had so many questions in my head: but Lord what is my spiritual gift, what is my purpose, what is your plan for my life… I felt so unsure and doubted.
Ps.32v8 - "I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go: I will guide thee with mine eye." Isn't that profound?? I really woke up and realized that to Him I am special!
Jer.1v4 5“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you;
Before you were born I sanctified you;I ordained you a prophet to the nations.” - that He made me for a special purpose and that I should stop over analyzing everything and everybody in my life and just simply start trusting Him and living in His guidance and Spirit.
I felt myself climb over this bridge of old worries, old issues and truly accepted that I am special. It was an amazing leap in my faith.